How to Survive the Holidays with Your Dysfunctional Family

The holidays are supposed to be fun, right? Unfortunately for so many of us, the joyful music and festive decorations are a constant reminder to us that we  should stuff our feelings of unsafety, anxiety, and anger for the sake of maintaining the facade that everything is fine. 

For many of us, the holiday season is incredibly traumatizing--there are expectations placed on us to be around the people who have hurt us the most. We are singled out when we set boundaries or opt out of the gatherings because to the rest of the family, we aren't being team players.

In this blog, you will find practical tips and strategies for getting through the holidays feeling grounded and empowered.

6 Tips for Surviving the Holidays with Your Dysfunctional Family

1. Set realistic expectations

One of the primary sources of holiday stress is unrealistic expectations. Your family might not suddenly transform into the picture-perfect, harmonious group you on social media. One of the best ways to protect yourself from further abandonment triggers is to come to accept your family for who they are. 

Once you've accepted the reality of who your family is, take time to set realistic expectations around what might happen when you see them. Anticipate what triggering interactions might arise and how you will navigate them so that you feel safe. This isn't about increasing your anxiety, but rather, giving yourself a plan so that you can go into the dysfunctional family dynamics feeling empowered and grounded.

2. Establish boundaries

I say this all the time to my clients and I want to say it here: you do NOT have to abandon yourself to make the unsafe people in your life feel comfortable. 

This means that you get to take a look at what triggers you or causes you to feel unsafe and then make decisions around what you will and will not expose yourself to. Setting boundaries is crucial for your mental and emotional well-being, especially in the holiday season when the holidays become an excuse to ignore other people's boundaries.

What this can look like is Identifying potential triggers and establishing exit plans or limits to protect yourself from the toxic behavior. This might look like limiting how long you will stay at a gathering, choosing to avoid certain topics in conversation, or choosing not to go to the family celebrations altogether and instead, spend time with supportive friends (your chosen family).

3. Effectively Communicate

Assertiveness is not aggression. Practice this holiday season clearly, calmly, and assertively communicating your boundaries, concerns, or needs. This being said, there are different ways to communicate with a dysfunctional family member based on the kind of toxic behavior they do. Check out this complete guide so that you can prepare yourself to effectively communicate with the dysfunctional person in your life.

4. Create an Exit Strategy

Have an escape plan in place for moments when you start to feel unsafe or overwhelmed. This could be giving yourself permission to walk outside, escape to a separate room, or even using a pre-arranged signal your friend or partner that it is time to leave the gathering. 

Create a safe space for yourself at the gathering that you can retreat to for a few moments to gather your thoughts, practice deep breathing, or just decompress from the chaos. This will prevent the accumulation of stress throughout the day. Giving yourself an "out" provides a sense of security--rather than feeling powerless to the situation, you know that you have options.

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness, the practice of staying present in the moment without judgment, is a powerful tool for navigating stressful family situations. Stay present with your body and your emotions during conversations. Notice when your nervous system is beginning to feel triggered and respond to yourself with non-judgement. An incredibly helpful way to stay grounded in interactions with dysfunctional family members is to practice detached observation. This mindfulness tool is one you do not want to be without at your holiday  family gathering . You can read all about it here. 

6. Seek Support

If you find the holidays particularly challenging with your dysfunctional family, consider seeking support from friends, a therapist, or a support group. I highly recommend sandwiching your holiday with your support systems. This could look like meeting with a therapist prior to your gathering to develop boundaries and a plan and then later having a support group scheduled for after the gathering so that you can process, receive validation, and decompress in a safe space.

As you go into this holiday season, know that you are not alone and you do not have to face it alone. Find those people in your life who can support you and be there to remind you of your strength and validate your experiences. Setting boundaries, developing a plan, surrounding yourself with safe people, and practicing effective communication skills will help you navigate the holidays feeling empowered, grounded, and stable.

 Create Your Holiday Survival Plan

If you want to feel grounded and prepared going into a holiday gathering with your family, download your FREE Holiday Survival Workbook and navigate the next holiday family gathering with grace and confidence. This workbook will fully prepare you in 4 easy steps.