Transforming Triggers into Connection: A Trauma-Informed Approach for Couples

Do you hold your breath, hoping that your trigger won’t become a massive conflict? 

For many of us, we might have had such extreme blow ups as a result of our triggers that we have become terrified of conflict. The bad news is that being in a relationship means navigating these emotional highs and lows. The good news is that triggers don’t have to spell disaster for your relationship. In fact, when managed well, these moments of conflict can draw you closer together.

Understanding Triggers

A trigger is an emotional reaction to a situation, person, or memory that reminds someone of a past traumatic experience. This reaction causes intense feelings, such as fear, shame, anger, or sadness, which makes you feel disconnected from your partner. Recognizing that triggers are a natural response to unresolved trauma is the first step in addressing them healthily.

The Impact of Triggers on Relationships

When triggered, you might react defensively or withdraw, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. These reactions can make both you and your partner feel unsafe and disconnected. We must understand that these responses are NOT intentional attacks on the relationship but rather protective mechanisms developed in response to past trauma.

Turning Conflict into Connection

Here are 6 things you can do to help transform your triggering moment into an opportunity for connection:

1. Acknowledge and Accept: Recognize that being triggered is a normal part of dealing with trauma. Both partners should acknowledge that triggers will happen and accept them without judgment. This acceptance lays the groundwork for compassionate communication. 

If you notice that your past trauma was triggered, let your partner know. This helps you remove yourselves from the victim/enemy dynamic and see each other as partners fighting the past trauma together.

2. Pause and Breathe: When a trigger occurs, take a moment to pause and breathe. This can help calm your nervous system and prevent immediate defensive reactions. Encourage your partner to do the same, creating a space for mindful responses rather than impulsive reactions.

If pausing and breathing isn’t enough, request a time-out. Take 20 min apart to ground yourselves so that you can return to the conversation from a more regulated place. 

3. Communicate Openly: Share your feelings and experiences with your partner. Use "I" statements to express how you feel without blaming or criticizing. For example, say, "I feel scared when this happens because it reminds me of past trauma," instead of, "You always make me feel scared." Gottman has some great resources on how to communicate with a soft start-up so that you can express yourself without causing your partner to feel attacked.

Sharing your fears, insecurities, and past traumas can strengthen your emotional bond. It allows your partner to understand you more deeply and to offer the support and reassurance you need.

4. Listen Actively: When your partner is sharing their feelings, listen with empathy and without interruption. Validate their experience by acknowledging their emotions and offering support. This practice fosters a sense of safety and understanding.

The temptation is often to fight about the “facts” of the conflict. I would encourage you to see deeper. What is your partner feeling? What just got triggered? What is the deeper need hidden within the conflict? 

5. Develop Safe Words: Establishing safe words can help de-escalate situations when triggers arise. A safe word signals a need for a break or a moment to regroup, allowing both partners to step back and prevent the conflict from escalating.

There is no “right” word to use. It can be an absolutely ridiculous word, but whatever it is, make sure that you choose a safe word that you don’t typically use in daily conversation. This word should be easily recognizable as a safe word to your partner when you use it.

6. Seek Professional Support: Working with a trauma-informed therapist can provide valuable tools and strategies for managing triggers and conflicts. Therapy will also offer a safe space to explore deeper issues that are affecting your relationship.

Practical Exercises for Connection

1. Daily Check-Ins: Spend a few minutes each day checking in with each other. Share how you're feeling and any triggers you may have experienced. This practice keeps the lines of communication open and reduces the buildup of unresolved emotions. Click the link above for the check-in format I recommend to clients.
2. Mindful Touch: Engage in mindful touch, such as holding hands or giving each other a gentle massage. Physical touch can help regulate your nervous system and reinforce feelings of safety and connection.
3. Shared Relaxation: Engage in relaxation activities together, such as deep breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga. These activities can help reduce stress and create a sense of calm and connection.
4. Gratitude Practice: Take time to express gratitude for each other. Acknowledging the positive aspects of your relationship can balance the focus on conflict and remind you of the love and support you share.

Conclusion

Triggers in relationships, especially those influenced by trauma, can feel overwhelming. By approaching these moments with compassion, open communication, and mutual support, you and your partner can turn your conflict into an opportunity for deeper intimacy and connection. Remember, the journey to healing and stronger relationships is ongoing, and each step you take together brings you closer to a healthier, more connected partnership.