5 Tips for Navigating Trauma in Your Relationship

Transcript:

Hey everyone and welcome to my channel! Today we're going to be talking about five tips for navigating PTSD in your relationship. I LOVE talking about this topic because understanding this helps us find the underlying issues in our relationship. Is it really as simple as just having good communication skills or is there something deeper there? There is a difference between a couple that self-destructs because of the trauma that's impacting their relationship versus a relationship where one partner becomes a healing force in the other partner's life. So today we're going to talk about five tips that are going to help you and your partner have a healing experience in your relationship amidst the trauma. 

Welcome to my channel I'm Christie Morgan and I am a relational trauma therapist. I post videos that equip you to heal your trauma and deeply connect in your relationships.

The 5 Tips for Navigating Trauma in Your Relationship

So let's talk about what are these five tips for navigating trauma in your relationship.

1. Educate Yourself

The first tip would be to educate yourself. Understanding how trauma works is essential to being able to understand your partner and to be somebody that feels safe for them. Have you ever found yourself in an emotionally intense moment with your partner-- maybe you just had a conflict and all of a sudden you are fighting in circles and eventually you have no idea what you're even fighting about? Well, that is a sign that there might be some trauma showing up.

When a person experiences a traumatic trigger, what happens is that frontal part of their brain completely shuts down and the emotion center of the brain is what takes over. Your partner is in that fight or flight mode. They feel extremely unsafe. It's important to recognize this because if you're trying to reason with your partner, that's probably not going to work until they feel safe again.

The other thing to really know about trauma is that when somebody is triggered the body re-experiences those traumatic memories as if they were happening in the moment. This is extremely important: the terror that your partner felt when the trauma first occurred is what they're feeling in the moment of that trigger. So what does that mean for you? Well, being a safe person-- being empathetic and making sure that you don't get defensive and you're really there to help them regulate-- is going to be really really important because they're in a vulnerable place at that moment.

The good news is that the brain is constantly learning and the brain can change. The more experiences of safety that your partner has of you, the less the hyper vigilance will show up and they'll begin to view the relationship and the world more safely. This is part of being that healing force in your partner's life.

2. Co-regulate with your partner

Number two: co-regulate with your partner. I love this one because it also creates opportunities for connection. Remember what we said earlier: when somebody is experiencing a traumatic trigger the logic part of the brain shuts down and they're in that fight or flight part of the brain. The way to get the logic part of the brain back online is to regulate the body-- to help the body and mind feel safe again. Some of the ways you can do this is to

• give massages
• to brush their hair
• to breathe together
• use essential oils
• go on a walk together 

I'd really encourage you to ask your partner, "how can I help you feel safe and help you regulate when you are being triggered?" Just by being involved in that process and asking that question you are communicating, "hey I love you. I'm here to support you. How would you like me to help you feel safe?" and that is such a connecting thing for your partner to hear.

3. Respond with empathy

Number three is to respond with empathy. We've all been there-- we've been riding that emotional roller coaster with our partner for too long and you just get to the point where you say something that you wish you could take back. That is normal. You are human, but that is part of contributing to your partner not feeling safe. As much as you're able to let your defensiveness go away for a moment and just be present with your partner-- really try to connect with the fact that they are suffering in that moment-- as much as you can connect with those more vulnerable emotions beneath the surface, the more seen and loved and safe your partner is going to feel.

4. Take care of yourself!

Number four-- and this is one that people often forget (especially if you're an empath)-- is to take care of yourself. I cannot stress this enough: you are NOT superhuman and it is not your role to save your partner. You can be a caring, loving presence in their life without having to be somebody who falls apart in the process. This can look like

• taking a pause
• processing with a therapist
• do some self-care
• really take care of your body and mind when you are in a really intense moment

5. Get professional support

The last one number five is to go to couples counseling, do relationship coaching, take an online course--get that professional support. I might be a little biased but I will say that when it comes to helping a couple feel safe it's often helpful to have a third person there who can create the safe container for the two of you to work through the trauma and to work through your conflict patterns so that your walls can come down and there's somebody there to hold you both when things feel messy.

If you are a partner of someone with trauma...

If you are a partner of someone with trauma, I would just like to say to give yourself grace. This is not about being perfect. You will mess up sometimes and that is okay! That's part of being human. You two are in this for the long haul. As much as you can allow yourself to make mistakes and then choose to repair afterwards you will be okay. The repair is the important part.

Thank you so much for listening to this. I hope that this will help strengthen your relationship and empower the two of you to navigate this trauma well.