5 Signs it's a Trauma Bond NOT Love

How do you know if you are experiencing the spark of a deep, loving connection, or the intensity of a trauma bond?

There are so many ways a trauma bond looks (and feels) similar to a healthy relationship–especially in the beginning. The “spark” we feel might be the start of a rollercoaster relationship rather than a deep, loving connection with our partner. 

We all want to feel loved, but if we’ve only experienced chaotic, dysfunctional relationships growing up, it’s easy to gravitate toward another intense, damaging relationship. It is familiar and therefore feels safe (even if it actually leads to more trauma).

So how do we distinguish between a trauma bond and true love? Let’s dive in and get clear on the differences.

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is an intense emotional connection that builds in a relationship through cycles of affection and abuse. The alternating periods of high highs and low lows keeps you in an addictive cycle of love bombing, abuse, and deep attachment. 

Why do trauma bonds happen?

A trauma bond often (but not always) forms in response to unresolved childhood trauma. If you grew up in a dysfunctional and/or abusive family, you most likely learned survival skills that not only make you extremely attractive to narcissistic or abusive partners, but also keep you in the abusive cycle. 

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, you may have learned how to become an expert enabler. Survival as a child meant that you had to justify and excuse your parent’s dysfunctional behavior because you didn’t have the tools to fight back. Now, as an adult, this expertise draws toxic types to you and keeps you stuck in unhealthy relationships. 

For those of us with unresolved childhood trauma, the emotional rollercoaster of a trauma bond replicates the dynamics we experienced in our families. It is easy to get sucked into a trauma bonded relationship because the instability of it feels so incredibly familiar. In fact, it feels safe because we already know how to survive it. No one taught us how to navigate healthy relationship dynamics. 

Healthy partners invite us into uncharted territory–a space we don’t yet know how to navigate. It is uncomfortable and scary. In fact, I often hear my clients share that when they meet a healthy partner, it feels “boring.” It feels like there is no potential for chemistry–in other words, there is no “spark.”

But hear me out: if the only spark we know to look for is the chaotic, unstable, rollercoaster type of relationship, we will struggle to recognize true love when it is right in front of us. 

Trauma Bond vs. True Love: How to Know the Difference

So what is the difference between a trauma bond and true love?

1. Deep Feelings of Connectedness

Trauma Bond: The connection often feels intense and is driven by a cycle of high highs and low lows. This creates an addictive pattern where the relief after the conflict feels euphoric. (this is the emotional rollercoaster, my friends.) 

True Love: The connection is steady and holistic. You connect physically, sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. In a healthy relationship, you feel a sense of security and trust without the fear of sudden, extreme emotional changes. 

2. Initial Positive Experiences

Trauma Bond: Starts with intense attraction and chemistry, often followed by abusive behavior. The chemistry feels irresistible and the cycle perpetuates a sense of false hope that the relationship will change for the better. 

True Love: Begins with genuine affection and curiosity. The initial positive experiences lay a foundation of mutual respect and care for each other that slowly builds over time. 

3. Shared History and Experiences

Trauma Bond: Often involves surviving a crisis or abusive situation together. Having endured so much together, you feel as if your bond is unbreakable (even if it is unhealthy and keeps you in crisis mode). 

True Love: Involves building positive, supportive experiences that foster growth and deeper understanding of each other. 

4. Desire to Maintain the Relationship

Trauma Bond: The desire to maintain the relationship is driven by fear, insecurity, codependency, or a belief that things will improve. Out of a desperation to keep the relationship, difficult conversations are avoided.

True Love: The desire to stay together is based on love, respect, and mutual commitment to navigating challenges constructively. You make important conversations a priority.

5. Mutual Dependency

Trauma Bond: This dependency is characterized by unhealthy codependency and control that is rooted in fear of abandonment or low self-esteem. One partner may use manipulation or control to maintain this dependency.

True Love: Involves balanced and supportive interdependence with both partners maintaining their individuality.

Why it matters

Being able to identify if you are in a trauma bond or not is vital for your emotional well-being. It is the difference between living in a survival state because of the relationship and having a relationship that is your safe haven amidst life’s challenges

If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to start by understanding what kind of relationship you are in. There is a BIG difference between healing a relationship with a trauma bond and healing a relationship with communication issues and colliding traumas. If you want to heal your relationship, you need to know which battle to fight. 

Remember: You deserve to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship. So let’s identify the kind of relationship you are in and start fighting the right battle.