7 Red Flags That Childhood Trauma is Sabotaging Your Relationship

Have you found yourself jumping from one relationship to the next unsure why you can't seem to escape the same old toxic patterns in your relationships? Or maybe you are in a committed relationship, have worked on your communication skills, gone to couples therapy, but still can't seem to feel stable in your relationship?

Listen up. There may be unhealed, hidden wounds sabotaging your relationship.

Until we can work on the root issues--and for many of us, it involves attending to our childhood trauma wounds--no amount of self-help books or communication skills are going to help us feel safe and secure in our relationships.

I am going to share with you 7 red flags that might be telling you that your childhood trauma is showing up in your relationship.

1. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

   One common consequence of childhood trauma is a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection. Our shame is strong in us and as a result, we may find ourselves desperately trying to avoid our own belief that we are unworthy of love. This can look like perfectionism and people-pleasing or having an unquenchable thirst for affirmation when you feel insecure. If you find yourself constantly anxious about your partner leaving, even in the absence of concrete reasons, it could be a sign that you are reacting from unhealed childhood wounds.

2. Difficulty Trusting Others

    Childhood trauma can erode trust in others, making it challenging to form healthy, secure attachments. If you struggle to trust your partner, question their motives without cause, or find it hard to believe in the stability of your relationship, it may be time to explore the roots of these trust issues.

   Now don't get me wrong, there may have also been some breaches in trust in your relationship that have made it difficult to trust. In my experience as a therapist, I have found that when we have these childhood traumas, learning to trust after a betrayal requires a parallel process of working through the childhood wounds while simultaneously repairing the wounds in the relationship.

3. Difficulty Expressing Vulnerability 

   Traumatic experiences can teach us to build emotional walls as a form of self-protection. If you find it difficult to express vulnerability or open up to your partner about your deepest fears and insecurities, this emotional barrier may be a result of childhood trauma influencing your adult relationships.

   Notice when there is a conflict in the relationship--how do you tend to build walls in order to protect yourself? Perhaps you feel deeply afraid, but on the outside, you express anger and lash out with words that you know will hurt your partner. This is a way we may avoid being vulnerable.

4. Recurring Patterns of Conflict

    Unresolved childhood trauma can create patterns of behavior that manifest in adult relationships. If you notice recurring conflicts that seem disproportionate to the current situation or if you find yourself reacting strongly to seemingly minor triggers, it may be worth exploring whether these reactions are rooted in past traumas.

   I always like to ask my clients, when you have a big reaction to something, ask yourself: "who else is in the room right now?" I ask this metaphorically, of course, but what I am asking is, are you reacting purely to your partner, or is there something deeper here? Being able to recognize this will help the two of you turn toward each other and support each other amidst the trigger rather than see each other as enemies in the moment. This is where co-regulation begins.

5. Self-Sabotaging Behaviors 

Some individuals unconsciously sabotage their relationships as a way of replicating familiar patterns from their past. It is a way that our minds and bodies are trying to work out the trauma and resolve the past. If you catch yourself engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as pushing your partner away or creating unnecessary drama, it's crucial to examine whether these actions stem from unresolved childhood trauma.

6. Lack of Boundaries or Excessive Boundaries

Childhood trauma can disrupt the development of healthy boundaries. You may have been asked to enmesh and experienced others disrespecting your need for boundaries, or you may have felt like your parents were inaccessible and as a child you felt isolated. These patterns we learned in childhood affect the way we interact in our adult lives.

Forming boundaries may make you feel like you are a "bad person" if you were loved for enmeshing with your parents. If you struggle with setting clear boundaries in your relationship or, conversely, erect rigid walls that prevent emotional intimacy, it may be a sign that your past is influencing your present interactions.

7. Emotional Numbness or Overreactions

Trauma can sometimes lead to emotional numbness as a way to cope with overwhelming feelings. On the other hand, individuals with childhood trauma may also experience intense emotional reactions to seemingly ordinary situations. Both extremes can impact the stability of a relationship.

For example, you may have no idea that you are "checking out" in the midst of an argument--you have grown so accustomed to numbing yourself from discomfort and pain. Your partner, on the other hand, may be extremely hypervigillant, sense you avoiding the relationship before you are even aware, and then experience an abandonment trigger. BOOM! Now you both are living into a trauma reaction.

Being able to gain awareness of your emotions and reconnect with your body in a balanced way allows you opportunities to respond rather than react amidst conflict.