Going no-contact (NC) with a toxic family member is a deeply personal and difficult choice to make. Any effort to heal from the relational trauma you have experienced must be done in a context of safety. Healing involves prioritizing your well-being and mental health over a relationship that has become toxic and harmful.

In this blog, we will explore some important factors to consider when making this big decision, so that you can move forward feeling confident and empowered.

1. Assess the Relationship Dynamics

It is important to reflect on the impact this relationship has had on you. Consider instances of emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, manipulation, and lack of emotional support. Evaluate how these factors have impacted your mental and emotional health.

Reflecting on the impact of this relationship will point you toward boundaries that are necessary for you to feel safe. For some, going low contact or not engaging on a deep, vulnerable level is enough to feel safe. For others, no contact might be the best option.

2. Can They Respect Your Boundaries?

Once you've become clear on the boundaries you need to feel safe, assess whether or not this family member is able to respect your boundaries. Does this person consistently cross them? If they do, would going no contact give you the safety you need? 

3. Evaluate Emotional Impact

Does being in contact with this person come at the cost of abandoning yourself? Notice what toll this relationship has on your well-being--do you feel depressed, empty, anxious, triggered? Do you gaslight yourself in order to survive interactions with this person? Your emotional health is paramount.

5. Consider Any Safety Concerns

If there are safety concerns, either physical or emotional, this might be a sign that you need to go no-contact. Your well-being is a non-negotiable, and no one should make you feel unsafe or threatened.

7. Potential for Change 

Consider whether this person has shown any willingness to change, seek therapy, or acknowledge their behavior. If someone is able to genuinely take responsibility and engage honestly in therapy, there may be a way to repair the relationship. That being said, be aware that many narcissists will love bomb and charm therapists as a way to keep you in relationship with them. 

8. Your Support System 

Consider the support system you have outside of the relationship. A strong network of friends, chosen family, or support groups are crucial for finding emotional stability as you navigate this challenging time. If you haven't already, begin to gather those people in your life that you feel safe with.

Important things to keep in mind...

Going NC doesn't have to be permanent.

As with any boundary you might set, you get to be the person to choose if the boundary needs to change. While going no contact can feel final, it is as final as you want it to be. Often we need to experience distance in order to gain clarity about a relationship. When the abuse becomes less familiar, our boundaries become more clear.

Going NC involves grieving...even if what you are leaving is toxic

There is a grieving process that comes with removing a person--even a toxic person--from your life. You may experience loss, abandonment triggers, guilt, shame, and self-doubt. These are all normal. Grieving a parent (or other relationship) that was not able to meet your needs or even provide baseline safety is complex. They are there...but they are not there. Let yourself grieve the loss of the hope and fantasy that they could become the person you needed them to be for you.

Don't be surprised if you don't feel immediate relief when you go NC. Give it time. Like any transition, this transition will feel destabilizing for a time. It won't always feel this way.

The longer you go NC, the safer you will feel

As the abuse becomes less familiar, your body will start to get out of fight or flight mode and relax. Toxicity will feel less familiar and you will begin to recognize it when it shows up. Toxic behavior (even behaviors that are significantly less intense than what you had experienced in the past) will become obvious to you and you will see it as a threat. It is so easy to return to something toxic because it is familiar, but the more distance you have from the toxic behavior, the more likely you will be to surround yourself with safe, stable people. 

And lastly...you matter.

You matter. You may have been told that you are selfish, dramatic, or "mean" for choosing to have boundaries, but your safety matters, and the people worth having in your life will want to support you feeling safe.

Deciding to go no-contact with a toxic family member is a courageous step towards prioritizing your mental, emotional, and physical health. Remember, you deserve to live a life free from toxicity, surrounded by individuals who uplift and support you.

Stay strong, seek help when needed, and trust in your ability to create a healthier and happier future.