5 Tips for Identifying an Emotionally Safe Person

It is so important to surround ourselves with emotionally safe people especially when we are healing from abandonment or rejection trauma. These relationships allow our minds and bodies to recalibrate to the fact that it is finally safe to heal–we don’t have to be in survival mode any longer. Whether you’ve experienced childhood trauma, grappling with trust issues, or seeking deeper friendships in your life, being able to recognize an emotionally safe person is a tool worth learning.

Here are five tips to help you identify an emotionally safe person:

1. Emotionally safe people are comfortable with their own brokenness.

Notice how the person relates with their own imperfections or trauma story. Do they laugh it off to pretend it isn’t a big deal? Do they shame themselves? Or are they doing their healing work and willing to trust the process? Emotionally safe people have space for their own emotions and imperfections, and in return, are comfortable with your imperfections. They are likely to listen without judgment and will be slow to criticize. You will feel validated around them rather than dismissed. Emotionally safe people are able to show up as their true selves, flaws and all. 

Questions to ask yourself:

• Do I feel like I have to pretend like I have it all together around this person?
• When I am vulnerable with them, do I feel seen, heard, and respected?
• Does being around them help me have grace for myself?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, this is probably someone you will want to have in your life.

2. Emotionally safe people respect your boundaries.

A crucial aspect of emotional safety is respecting personal boundaries. Emotionally safe people understand the importance of boundaries and honor them without hesitation. If you express that you do not want to do something or that something makes you uncomfortable, they respect your boundaries and do not try to persuade you to change your mind. 

One sign that someone feels emotionally unsafe to you is if you consistently abandon yourself in their presence. This can look like abandoning your own needs and desires in favor of people-pleasing. You may fear rejection or abandonment if you assert yourself authentically because you know that they will not respect your needs. Pay attention to instances where you compromise your values or boundaries to please others. 

If you are with an emotionally safe person, asserting yourself will not be a dramatic event. The more you surround yourself with people who don’t overstep your boundaries, the more confident you will become in asserting yourself and opening yourself up to people.

Questions to ask yourself:

• How does this person respond when you assert your boundaries? 
• Do they listen and respect your needs, or do they dismiss them? 
• Do they agree to respect your boundary, but then overstep the boundary in “small” ways

3. Emotionally safe people are empathetic and understanding.

Emotionally safe people are consistently empathetic. They listen actively, validate your feelings, and offer support without judgment. They make you feel seen, heard, and valued. 

Notice the heart posture you bring to your interactions with them. Do you have fear-based interactions such as defensiveness, mistrust, and a reluctance to be vulnerable? Or do you feel relaxed, open-hearted, and trusting? An emotionally safe person will help you feel safe as you share your authentic self. They create an atmosphere of trust and acceptance, allowing you to express yourself freely without fear of judgment or rejection.

Questions to ask yourself:

Notice how they respond when you share your struggles or vulnerabilities. 

• Do they offer empathy and compassion, or do they minimize or invalidate your experiences? 
• Do you feel seen and heard by this person?
• When I am about to interact with them, does my heart race? Muscles tense? Am I about to interact from a fear-based posture?

4. Emotionally safe people are consistent and reliable.

Emotionally safe people follow through on their commitments, keep their promises, and show up when you need them. They are dependable and trustworthy. Having a person like this in your life acts as an antidote to abandonment trauma. You may have learned in your life that you can’t trust people to show up for you, but the more you surround yourself with consistently reliable people, the more you will begin to recalibrate your mind and body to expect love and support from your relationships. 

Questions to ask yourself:

Pay attention to this person’s actions over time. 

• Do they demonstrate consistency in their behavior and communication, or do they exhibit unpredictable or erratic patterns? 
• If you share something vulnerable with them, do you have a general idea of how they will respond?

5. Emotionally safe people handle conflict in a way that supports the relationship.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how it's handled determines the level of emotional safety. Emotionally safe people approach conflict with maturity, openness, and a willingness to understand perspectives. They communicate calmly and respectfully, seeking resolution rather than escalating tensions. They are likely to slow things down if things become heated.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Does this person prioritize finding common ground and resolving issues, or do they resort to blame, criticism, or avoidance? 
• Does this person speak over me or do they take the time to listen before responding?
• Does this person consistently become defensive, or are they willing to consider other perspectives?
• Does this person take responsibility for their part in the conflict?

A Word of Caution

When we have experienced trauma, there is a part of us that feels safe and seen by another person who has had a similar trauma history.

This is important: Being a fellow trauma survivor does NOT make that person automatically emotionally safe. It all depends on if the person has done their healing work and is still willing to work on themselves.

Emotionally safe individuals have done the inner work to confront their own demons and cultivate emotional maturity. They are comfortable with their own stories and emotions, which allows them to hold space for others without becoming overwhelmed or reactive.

Questions to consider:

• Does this person use you as their pseudo-therapist?
• Is the relationship reciprocal?
• Does the relationship feel like an emotional rollercoaster?
• Does the person try to fix you?
• Does this person seem comfortable with themselves and have space for both you and their own story?

Conclusion

Emotionally safe people give you that nurturing and supportive environment where you can finally heal and grow BECAUSE you are safe. They offer empathy, understanding, and validation without judgment or criticism. Having emotionally safe people in your life creates a sense of security and trust, which are essential for healing from trauma and overcoming abandonment issues.