How to Know if Therapy is Right For You (right now)

Have you ever wondered if Therapy is right for you at this point in your healing process? Today we are going to talk about the 4 stages of healing complex trauma and how you will know if you need to be in therapy right now.

It's so easy for us to say, well, you have complex trauma, so CLEARLY you need to go to therapy to work on that. Right? Wrong. 

Therapy is necessary for a particular part of the healing process, but you need to first know that you are at that stage of healing where therapy will be effective, otherwise, you are wasting your time and money.

Now before we begin, let me just say that we are constantly healing–there is no “arriving”–this will be a lifelong process, but it doesn’t mean you need to be in therapy for your whole life. Therapy is for a very specific point in the healing process and there are things you can do before and after that continue to deepen your healing process.

Ok, so let’s talk about the 4 stages of healing from complex trauma and how to know if therapy is what you need at THIS point in the healing process. 

Stage 1: Education/Awareness

So many people go into therapy prematurely. They know that something is wrong but they do not yet have clarity around how their trauma formed them and the barriers within themselves that are keeping them from healing.

One of the most common things I see is a client resisting the healing work because they are set on focusing on the wrong issue. For example, they think that their problems will be solved by changing someone else’s behavior, and don’t realize that they have power within themselves that they can nourish and grow so that they  can be the solution to the issues they are facing.

For others, they are set on focusing on some outside issue that is easy to blame the anxiety they experience in life on rather than tending to the deeper things.

They aren’t ready because they don’t yet see what’s going on. 

When we educate ourselves, we no longer see ourselves as a “crazy person” but as a resilient person who has learned to adapt to the repeated flow of traumatic experiences–do you see how this mindset shift makes space for hope? 

It goes from seeing ourselves as stuck and destined to live a victim to our trauma to someone who is moving, growing, and can move through and out of the pain we are experiencing right now.

Knowledge is power and we can’t change something that we know nothing about.

Without building this self-awareness, we are throwing shots in the dark, hoping on pure chance to get us where we need to go. We have to know how we were formed and what needs were not met. We need to learn the skills that were never modeled to us as children. We need to understand our survival skills, love them, thank them, and then reorient them to a healthier way of living.

Yes, you technically can do this work in therapy, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

It’s typically taken clients a minimum of 6 months in therapy to gain a thorough foundation of this awareness–that’s a lot of time and money spent on something that you could do outside of therapy. And this isn’t even the therapeutic work! This is the necessary foundation for doing quality therapeutic work.

So my recommendation would be to gain this awareness prior to therapy. This will help you focus on the right issue, already break through the barriers that cause you to subconsciously resist the healing work, and set you up to take off in the healing process when you get to therapy.

Ok so you are probably thinking to yourself, ok…but Christie, how do I learn these things if I don’t know what I don’t know?

If you are in this stage of the healing process, I would recommend starting here: download this free guide. It will begin to help you see the effects of childhood trauma, work through some of your barriers and it will also include a list of the most influential books to read (or if you are like me, listen to) to dig deep into this work.

Stage 2: Stabilization & Safety

This is where you begin to recover your nervous system from chronic dysregulation. It will include building physical, emotional, and relational safety in your life.

Now, this can only happen if you have done a deep dive into exploring what safety even means FOR YOU–what kinds of people are safe or unsafe for you based on your triggers, upbringing, unmet relational needs, etc. 

To effectively build safety in to your life, you have to do thorough work in the education/awareness phase.

 If you have complex trauma, chances are your relationships are the main trigger sources. Teaching your nervous system it is safe can only happen when it actually is safe.

In this stage, you will learn to build a circle of safety around you. You will identify safe people in your life and develop boundaries with people who don’t support your sense of safety. You will learn the tools to help you take back your power and no longer feel like you are at the mercy of others for your sense of safety. You now get to be your own gatekeeper.

Again, knowledge is power. At this stage, you have the knowledge, which means you now have choices, and choices mean having the power to usher yourselves into a life that feels safe and stable.

Okay, so here are a few things to think about when it comes to deciding if you need therapy at this point:

If you experience suicidality, have substance misuse issues, are self-harming, or feel unstable in any of these ways, I would highly recommend having a therapist work with you in this stage so that you can practice regulating yourself within a safe context. Joining a DBT skills group could also be highly beneficial.

That being said, as long as your triggering moments are manageable, you can do this work outside of therapy.

If you are in this stage and would like some support in knowing where to start with setting boundaries and identifying how safe a person is for YOU, download my free guide here.

Stage 3: Reprocessing

THIS is where therapy is the most impactful. 

The reprocessing stage involves replacing your avoidance, which keeps the trauma symptoms from resolving, with remembrance and mourning. In therapy, you will reprocess and reconsolidate old memories (both implicit and explicit).

This stage involves:

• Accepting and recognizing that what happened to you was not your fault and does not define you
• Challenging limiting beliefs and letting go of shame
• Managing symptoms

Remember, that which is not entered, cannot be healed. We have to let ourselves feel again. 

Some techniques that your therapist may use that are incredibly helpful for healing trauma are IFS, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

THIS is the work you want to do with a therapist. The healing relationship IS the most healing part of the work, and working through the grief, release of shame, and limiting beliefs with a safe loving person is what will heal the trauma.

Again, we need to enter into that which needs to be healed. We need to go into the parts of our brain that are wired to experience vulnerability with someone as unsafe, and insert a new experience–an experience of being held, seen, and honored.

We need to let ourselves mourn all that was lost due to our trauma so that we can release ourselves from the unquenchable thirst within us causing us to try to fill the hole left by others with the nearest and most convenient thing that can resemble fulfilling that need.

If you have done the self awareness work, have built safety into your life, and are ready to actually process the trauma, reach out to a therapist. I would encourage you to do a consultation call and notice how your body feels when talking to them–do you feel safe, connected and seen by them? This will be the most important part of the healing process.

Stage 4: Integration

This is where you reconnect with yourself–and find the YOU that has been buried beneath the trauma.

This is where you redefine and rediscover who you are and find purpose in your life.

This is where you learn to turn toward loving, safe people for support and love, and begin to see yourself not only as a “survivor” but as someone who is thriving despite what happened to you.

For some of my clients, they  have gone on to lead support groups, mentor other people on the healing journey, or just finally began to go after the things that bring them to life because they now actually have space for joy in their lives.

If you are finding yourself in therapy and are at a place where you notice that triggers still come up, but you are able to almost instinctively manage them and they don’t take over you, you might be ready for this stage.

If you find yourself no longer spending your emotional and mental energy on your trauma, but find yourself feeling openhearted, at ease, and confident in your abilities to navigate life, you are probably ready to discontinue therapy and open the door to this whole other chapter in life.

This is where things get EXCITING–it is the point when your trauma becomes transformed into a gift for others and yourself. You can now see how the survival skills you learned, reoriented, now are some of the most beautiful and powerful parts of you. They are gifts to you and your relationships.

Here’s an example: maybe you learned to be extremely hyper vigilant as a child. Well, you have learned all about this survival skill, taught it that it is safe now, and have reoriented it in a way where now you have this superpower where you are able to be extremely attuned to your partner and you children. You see them deeply and they feel seen and loved by you. What once sabotaged your life and relationships is now a gift that helps you have rich, loving relationships.

If you are at this stage, I want to encourage you to free yourself to explore. Trust yourself, and see what you find. There is so much more goodness in you than you know. It’s time to discover what’s there beneath it all. 

Trust me, I think you’ll love what you find.

Conclusion

So we just talked through a whole lot, and I hope that this helps you find clarity of what you need at this stage in your healing journey.

If you are like gosh, I am so ready to deep dive into this. I want to heal and make the most out of my therapy process, then check out my course, Love After Complex Trauma. This is where I hold your hand through the first 2 stages so that you can go into therapy actually ready to experience huge wins.

As always, I am in your corner cheering for you!