Growing up in a dysfunctional family deeply impacts our ability to form healthy relationships as an adult. As a child, we learned to survive our dysfunctional family by developing skills that no longer serve us in our relationships with healthy people. 

In this blog post, we will explore what keeps us from having functional relationships in adulthood and delve into the process of unlearning these maladaptive survival skills. By replacing these coping mechanisms with healthy relationship skills, you can finally find yourself experiencing fulfilling, healthy connections as an adult.

Understanding Dysfunctional Survival Skills

Hyper-Vigilance and People-Pleasing:

As a child, you probably became extremely hyper-vigilant– you monitored the emotional atmosphere as a way to stay safe and avoid conflict. You learned slight facial cues and body gestures that communicated to you that someone was displeased, angry, depressed, or on the edge of harmful behavior. For many of us, we became people-pleasers. We took that information that we observed about the emotional environment and adjusted ourselves in response to it so that we could keep the peace. Our people-pleasing became a survival skill. 

Unfortunately, in our adult relationships, our hyper-vigilance communicates distrust and we are likely to be more on edge and sensitive to slight changes in our partner’s demeanor. We may take things personally when it has nothing to do with us. We become dependent on codependency and people pleasing to feel safe in the relationship. The person we are in relationship with will never actually experience true connection with us because we are not being our true selves–we are living under the mask of what we think they want from us.

Emotional Suppression and Avoidance:

For many of us, there are certain emotions that we have told ourselves are “off limits.” This is especially the case if we had a caregiver who harmed us through their inability to manage their difficult emotions. For some of us, we learn to avoid anger. For others, it might be sadness. 

We bury our emotions, yet they somehow manage to come out sideways through addictions, self-harm, or explosive outbursts when we cannot hold it together any longer. 

This avoidance of our emotions makes it difficult to have an intimate connection. By avoiding our emotions, we avoid the relationship.

Difficulty in Trusting Others:

When you experience betrayal or broken trust in your childhood, it sets the stage for the way we view our other relationships. We learn at a young age that trusting someone will endanger us and that people are unsafe.

Lack of trust can come out in our relationships in different ways. For some, it looks like avoiding intimacy by withdrawing from people or choosing to get close, but not too close to someone. In this case, you might abandon the relationship right when it starts to feel vulnerable. For others, lack of trust can look like demanding validation and attention or sabotaging a relationship if you suspect you are about to be rejected or abandoned. The fear of abandonment can be extremely intense. 

Brene Brown, famous shame researcher talks about just how crucial it is that we experience vulnerability within our safe relationships. This is how intimacy forms. This is how shame heals. If we cannot trust safe people with the vulnerable parts of us, we ruin our chances of experiencing authentic love in our lives.

The Process of Unlearning: Breaking Free from Maladaptive Patterns

Self-Awareness and Acknowledgment:

We can’t heal what we don’t see. If you truly want to heal, it is time to pull back the blinders and see the ways you were formed amidst your dysfunctional family environment. Your family formed you, and as an adult, you get to choose what you want to leave behind and what you want to continue in. Take a moment to recognize the maladaptive survival skills you developed. How did you learn to survive your trauma? 

Self awareness will help you stop living from your trauma responses and start making conscious choices in your relationships. As someone whose been there, I can promise you that the empowerment you will experience is worth it.

Therapy

If you don’t have a therapist, I would highly recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in complex trauma. Therapy can offer you a safe space to explore your past, identify you survival skills, and work on replacing them with healthier alternatives. I have found that internal family systems (IFS) and attachment-based therapies are incredibly useful for navigating complex trauma.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation:

When we spend so much of our lives suppressing or judging our emotional experience, we miss out on learning the skill of being present to ourselves and our emotions. A feeling wheel is an incredibly useful tool for broadening your emotional vocabulary so that you can learn to express your feelings constructively and be present to them. 

Take some time every day to be still and notice how different emotions are manifesting in your body. Be present to them without judgment. Building self-compassion is a large part of the healing process. Rather than letting your critical inner voice tell you who you are, allow yourself the opportunity to experience compassion.

Developing Healthy Relationship Skills: From Unlearning to Rebuilding

Effective Communication:

Healthy communication involves active listening, assertiveness, and empathy. Practice expressing your needs and feelings openly, while also respecting others' perspectives. Remember, you are not responsible for how they feel or react to your experience. Differentiating yourself in this way is a huge step toward recovering from codependency and rebuilding trust in the relationship.

Setting Boundaries:

Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Learn to say no without guilt and respect the boundaries set by others. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect for each others’ limits. You can find a complete guide on how to develop boundaries with unhealthy relationships here.

Cultivating Empathy and Understanding:

Empathy bridges the gap between people. Put yourself in others' shoes, understanding their emotions and experiences. Remember, understanding their experience does not mean you have to make the experience your own. Enmeshment is not the same as empathy.

Conflict Management Skills:

Conflicts are natural in any relationship. The way we repair is the important part. Learn to handle disagreements from a grounded place. Rather than focusing your energy on “winning” the argument, focus on how you two can collaborate with each other. Healthy conflict management strengthens relationships, fostering growth and intimacy. Not all conflicts can be resolved, but even in these types of conflict, connection is possible. Focus on how you can understand and be present to each other amidst the conflict. The process is far more important than the result.

Self-Compassion and Forgiveness:

Be kind to yourself during this process. Practice self-compassion, acknowledging your progress. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and recognize that growth is a continuous, non-linear journey.

Embracing Healthy Connections

By replacing these survival skills with healthy relationship skills, you can create genuine connections built on trust, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy.

Remember, the process might be challenging, but every step you take towards unlearning the past and embracing healthier patterns brings you closer to fulfilling, functional relationships. Seek support when needed, practice self-compassion, and believe in your ability to build and maintain meaningful connections as a resilient, empowered adult.