How Childhood Healing Fantasies Impact Our Relationships

As children, we have incredibly active imaginations and these imaginations play a large role in helping us survive. One way our imaginations serve as coping mechanisms is through the development of healing fantasies, a term coined by Lindsay C Gibson, PhD. A healing fantasy is an idea we take refuge in to help us hold onto hope and survive. It can sound like, "if only I were smarter, then my parents would be proud of me” or "if only my mom would stop working so much, then she would pay attention to me." These comforting thoughts help us feel comfort and hope during our formative years. However, as we transition into adulthood, these very fantasies can unknowingly sabotage our relationships.

How Healing Fantasies Form

Children, resilient yet vulnerable, often create mental narratives to cope with life's challenges. These healing fantasies act as coping mechanisms, providing a sense of control and hope. Whether imagining a more idealized version of themselves or fantasizing about a perfect world, children find refuge in these fantasies.

Healing Fantasies in Adulthood

Our healing fantasies often grow with us into adulthood. They may have served us in the past, but they can inadvertently set the stage for unrealistic expectations that hurt our adult relationships.

Idealization vs. Reality:

Perhaps you have an idealized version of yourself and suffer in silence as you aim to appear prettier, smarter, stronger…you can fill in the blank. We may chase after perfectionism, yet feel deep shame that we are not lovable as we are. This sabotages our relationships when we let the shame build, creating a wall of disconnection in our relationship. 

The problem is that all along, we are fighting the wrong issue: we aren’t ever healing the root wound that is causing distress in the relationship. Instead, we are on the hamster wheel of perfectionism.

If you are more of an externalizer, your healing fantasy might sound like, “if only my partner would be there for me whenever I need them, I will feel loved.” This unrealistic expectation for your partner to always be there for you and have the emotional capacity to be present to you at any moment may be setting you up to re-experience abandonment over and over. All along, your partner may actually love you, but there is a deeper, unhealed issue making it difficult for you to experience that love in the relationship.

Again, healing fantasies keep us focused on the wrong issue and prevent us from doing the actual healing work. 

Conflict Resolution Challenges:

Our healing fantasies can cause us to revert to familiar, yet maladaptive coping mechanisms in conflict. Rather than addressing the more vulnerable, softer emotions we are feeling, we may put up walls in the relationship. These walls can look like avoiding the actual topic by focusing on peripheral issues (ie, “I’m just not attractive enough to you”). All along, we avoid our true pain and in doing so avoid the relationship. Our healing fantasies hinder effective communication and problem-solving within our relationships.

How to transform you healing fantasy:

Recognizing and addressing the influence of childhood healing fantasies on adult relationships is crucial for personal growth and healthier connections. Strategies to navigate this complex terrain include:

Self-Reflection and Awareness:

Begin by reflecting on the healing fantasies you developed as a child. Understanding the roots of these fantasies can provide valuable insights into your current behavior and relationship dynamics. Notice how these healing fantasies translate into your adult relationships. What expectations do you have of your partner that may not be fair? If you want to do a deep dive into understanding your healing fantasy's impact on your relationship, sign up for our course, Love After Complex Trauma.

Therapeutic Intervention:

Seek the guidance of a qualified therapist to unpack and process the impact of childhood healing fantasies. Professional support offers a safe space to challenge ingrained patterns of thinking and behavior.

Cultivating Realistic Expectations:

Acknowledge that perfection is unattainable, both in yourself and in your relationships. Embrace the imperfections and complexities that make each person and connection unique. Cultivating realistic expectations can alleviate pressure on yourself and others. Talk with your partner about these expectations and explore together what are fair expectations to have of each other.

Conclusion:

Childhood healing fantasies, while once necessary for survival, can unintentionally set the stage for unrealistic expectations in adult relationships. By understanding these fantasies through self-reflection, therapeutic intervention, and intentional personal growth, we can break free from our self-sabotaging cycle.