Growing up in a dysfunctional family has a profound impact on our psychological and emotional well-being. Dysfunctional families are characterized by a range of negative behaviors, including addiction, compulsions, codependency, and manipulation, which can permanently alter the way in which the family operates. As a result, children who grow up in dysfunctional families can struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

One of the ways in which we may cope with these issues is by gaslighting ourselves. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves manipulating someone into questioning their own perceptions, memories, and sanity. When we gaslight ourselves, we minimize or dismiss our own experiences, feelings, and needs, and may even blame ourselves for the dysfunction we experienced in our family. This can lead to self-doubt, self-blame, and a lack of trust in our own judgment.

So why do we gaslight ourselves after growing up in a dysfunctional family? 

There are a number of factors that can contribute to this. For example, some of us who grew up in a dysfunctional family may have learned to prioritize the needs and feelings of others over our own. We may have internalized messages that our own needs and feelings are unimportant or invalid. For many of us, we may have learned to adapt to chaotic or unpredictable environments by minimizing or denying our own experiences, in order to avoid conflict or negative consequences.

All in all, we learned to become experts at abandoning ourselves.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a tactic used to make someone question their own reality. It is a form of psychological abuse that is extremely damaging. When someone is gaslighted, they are made to feel like their thoughts, emotions, and memories are not valid. This is where we learn to abandon ourselves, our reality, and even our own thoughts and emotions.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family often leads to gaslighting. When we are constantly told that our feelings and experiences are not valid, we begin to question ourselves. We feel like we are going crazy or that our thoughts and emotions are not real. This can lead to a cycle of self-gaslighting where we begin to doubt ourselves and our experiences.

Gaslighting can take many forms. It can be subtle, such as someone telling us that we are overreacting or that our feelings are not valid. It can also be more overt, such as someone denying that something happened or telling us that we are remembering things incorrectly. Over time, this can lead to us questioning our own experiences and memories.

It is important to recognize when we are being gaslighted and to take steps to protect ourselves. This may involve setting boundaries with the person who is gaslighting us or seeking support from a therapist or counselor. By understanding gaslighting and its effects, we can begin to heal from the damage that has been done and move forward with our lives.

So why do we gaslight ourselves?

So why do we gaslight ourselves? Let’s dive into 5 big reasons (beyond the simple answer that we grew up in a dysfunctional family).

1. Our Healing Fantasies Got Out of Hand

Human beings are natural storytellers. We craft narratives to make sense of the world around us and, crucially, to make sense of ourselves. We may create a story such as, “my parent is going through a lot of turmoil in their marriage. Once they divorce they will give me the love and attention I need” or “They just want what is best for me, once I achieve ___ they will value me and show me affection.” The truth is, these healing fantasies are just that–fantasies. 

These narratives/fantasies teach us to stay blind to the reality of the situation. It is not that we have not achieved enough, but rather that our parents are not emotionally mature enough to meet our needs. Over and over again, we learn to shift blame on ourselves, ignore reality, and invalidate our deep sense that our needs are not met–that something is terribly wrong. The more and more that these fantasies become distorted, shaped by self-doubt or external invalidation, the more they evolve into powerful tools of self-gaslighting. This internalization often begins in childhood.

2. We Inherited Patterns of Doubt

Growing up in an environment where we rarely received validation and our emotional needs were unmet lays the groundwork for self-gaslighting. Dysfunctional family dynamics breed self-doubt. As children, we internalize the message that our emotions and experiences are invalid. Later, as we become adults, these ingrained patterns resurface, causing us to second-guess our feelings and perceptions.

Pay attention to the number of times you end a sentence with “I don’t know” after stating your opinion. This is such a small example, but I know for me it revealed just how much I feel that my thoughts, feelings, and opinions are invalid.

3. Societal Messaging Feeds Our Inner Critic

Beyond the family unit, societal expectations and norms can teach us to gaslight ourselves. Social media, cultural values/ideals, and the pressure to conform can fuel a constant internal dialogue that questions our worth, choices, and authenticity. For many of us who struggle with perfectionism, we begin to question our thoughts and feelings because they don’t seem like the “right” thing to be thinking or feeling. Not to mention, the perfectionistic culture we live in teaches us to criticize ourselves. We develop an internal critic that causes us to abandon ourselves over and over again. We become our harshest critics.

4. We Shield Ourselves From Pain

Many of us gaslight ourselves as a way to shield ourselves from our emotional pain. This is a behavior that we usually learn as children. 

Gaslighting ourselves may have initially served as a coping mechanism. We learned to downplay our emotions or rewrite the narrative in order to survive challenging circumstances. 

As adults, these adaptive strategies outlive their usefulness, and morph into a defense mechanism that is self-sabotaging. Ironic, right? The very survival mechanisms that once protected us become the chains that bind us.

Confronting the reality of our feelings, past mistakes, or perceived shortcomings doesn’t feel safe. To protect ourselves, we create alternative narratives that shield us from vulnerability, even if these narratives are rooted in self-deception. The fear of facing our true selves becomes a catalyst for gaslighting ourselves. The problem is that the more we grow distant from reality, the harder it is to heal.

Conclusion

By unraveling the why behind our internalized manipulation, we begin to dismantle the barriers it creates in our lives. The path to self-compassion involves acknowledging the roots of self-gaslighting, challenging our distorted narratives, and embracing vulnerability as a catalyst for genuine personal healing. In understanding the why, we pave the way for reclaiming our authentic selves and fostering a healthier relationship with the stories we tell ourselves.