How to Handle Conflict by Connecting, Not Correcting

Do you ever find yourself fighting with your partner over surface level details—who said what, who did what, and what went wrong? If not, please contact me and tell me your secret.

When we are activated and emotions begin to run high, it is SO EASY to focus on our partner’s behavior and how to fix them. But what if this only makes things worse? What if the key to turning a conflict into a moment of connection lies in connecting with the deeper emotions beneath the behavior instead? In this blog, we’ll explore how to focus on connecting with your partner’s deeper emotions rather than fighting over the surface-level details.

The Trap of Focusing on Behavior

If you are human like the rest of us, chances are you have this gut instinct to want to fix or stop our partner’s behavior when we feel hurt. You might think, “If they would just stop____, everything would be fine.” The problem is that when we focus on behavior first, we miss a critical opportunity to connect with our partner on a deeper level. 

Here’s what we often miss: behind the “spiky” behavior are deep, squishy feelings—shame, fear, pain—that need to be acknowledged and understood before we can look for a resolution.

Imagine this argument: Your partner snaps at you after a long day, and instead of trying to understand what might be causing their frustration, you immediately focus on their tone of voice or the specific words they used. You may say, “Don’t talk to me like that,” or “Why do you always get so angry?” While you might be addressing their behavior, you’re missing the chance to connect with what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Them snapping at you is a symptom of something deeper. If we want to connect, we need to do more than put an emotional band aid on the situation. We need to dive into the scary emotions and connect there.

Why Connection First Works

Focusing on connecting with your partner’s emotions rather than arguing that their behavior is unacceptable helps create a sense of safety in the relationship. When someone feels truly seen and heard, their defenses lower, and they’re more likely to soften and communicate openly. I am NOT saying you should ignore harmful behavior. What I AM saying is that we need to address the emotions underneath first.

For example, your partner may be upset about something at work or feeling overwhelmed by stress. Instead of reacting to their snappiness, try asking, “You seem really stressed today. Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Doing this shows your partner that you actually care about them and that you are on their team. 

How to Connect with the Deeper Emotions

Ok, so how do we actually do this practically?

1. Pause Before Reacting
When you feel triggered by something your partner says or does, take a deep breath before responding. Give yourself a moment to step back and think, “What’s really going on here?” Pausing helps us descend from the surface level situation to the deeper things driving the behavior.

I need to note that part of the question, “what’s going on here?” is asking yourself what is happening inside of you as well. Are you feeling the urge to react from a former trauma? Do you feel grounded? Tend to yourself before going to the next step. Remember, connection first: connecting with yourself is an important part of the puzzle.

2. Get Curious
Instead of making any assumptions, get curious about your partner’s emotions. Ask yourself, “What might they be feeling right now?” In other words, what is motivating or driving this behavior? What is the need beneath the behavior?

3. Validate Their Feelings
Be a mirror, not a sponge. Here’s what I mean by this: you don’t have to take in what they say and feel the same way about something. You don’t have to absorb their burden and make it your own. Be a mirror: reflect back to them what they are feeling. Saying something like, “That sounds so stressful” communicates to your partner that you’re tuned in to their emotions–you’re with them in this difficult situation. The only thing worse than suffering is suffering alone. Validation builds that connection that helps your partner feel less alone in their pain.

4. Listen Without Defending
This is one of the hardest steps: listen without defending yourself or explaining why you are right. Remember, the goal is to connect first–solving the issue can come later. The priority is to not leave either one of you alone in the pain. Practice listening without interrupting or arguing. Just listen with the intent to understand their feelings. Once your partner feels heard, they’ll likely be more open to discussing solutions collaboratively.

Connection First, Solutions Second

Once you’ve taken the time to connect with your partner’s emotions, then—and only then—can you move on to discussing the behavior or issue that caused the tension. When both of you feel connected and understood, you’re more likely to work together toward a solution rather than continuing to argue about the details.

It all comes down to positioning yourselves as a team so that you can tackle the issue at hand as a team. 

For example, after acknowledging that your partner had a rough day, you might gently say, “I know it’s been a hard day for you, but when you snapped at me earlier, it hurt my feelings. Can we talk about a better way to handle this next time?” This approach creates space for repair without leading with criticism.

Why This Approach Strengthens Relationships

When you focus on connecting first, you strengthen your bond with your partner. Over time, they’ll feel safer opening up to you, knowing you’re not just focused on what they did wrong but are genuinely invested in how they feel. This builds trust, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect—all key ingredients for a healthy, lasting relationship. 

This is one way that you can build this positive sentiment override as Gottman puts it. By building this foundational experience of togetherness (deep down believing that at the core the other person wants you to be well), navigating difficult situations and conflicts becomes easier. You can navigate these storms because you’ve built something that can carry you through the storm well.

Conclusion

So next time you find yourself in a tough moment with your partner, remember: connection first. Instead of getting stuck on the behavior or the details of the conflict, focus on the deeper emotions that might be driving it. When you make the effort to understand what your partner is feeling, you’ll be amazed at how quickly conflicts soften and resolution becomes easier. The result? A stronger, more connected relationship where both of you feel seen, heard, and valued.