Understanding Your Relationship's Emotional Rollercoaster: The Conflict Cycle and Breakthrough

Does your relationship feel like an emotional rollercoaster? You have a fight, and one moment you are having a huge breakthrough and the next moment, you blow up as if the breakthrough never happened?

It is common to experience this tumultuous pattern of intense arguments followed by breakthroughs, only to have the cycle repeat itself–I see this all the time in couples therapy (and in my own life!). This emotional rollercoaster often leaves us feeling frustrated and hopeless, wondering why our breakthroughs seem so fleeting. We begin to question if things will ever change for good.

If we are going to understand this dynamic, we have to look at it through a trauma-informed lens.

The Impact of Past Trauma on Current Relationships

Trauma, whether from childhood or past relationships, deeply impacts how we interact with our partners. Traumatic experiences shape our emotional responses, attachment styles, and coping mechanisms. When unresolved trauma leads to heightened sensitivity to perceived threats, even in safe and loving relationships.

Read that again: When unresolved, trauma leads to heightened sensitivity to perceived threats, even in safe and loving relationships.

Attachment Styles and Emotional Reactivity

Our trauma shapes the way we attach to our partners. Attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. Those with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) may find themselves more prone to intense emotional reactions during conflicts. For example:

• Anxious attachment may lead to a heightened fear of abandonment, causing you to react strongly to signs of distance or disagreement.
• Avoidant attachment can result in shutting down or withdrawing in the face of conflict, frustrating your partner and escalating the situation.
• Disorganized attachment, often a result of trauma, can create a chaotic response to conflict, swinging between clinginess and withdrawal.

Emotional Triggers and Responses

As trauma survivors, we often have specific emotional triggers that get activated during conflicts. These triggers may not always be apparent to either partner. For instance, a seemingly minor disagreement might evoke a disproportionately intense reaction if it taps into a deeper, unresolved wound. This heightened emotional state can make constructive communication difficult, leading to the cyclical nature of conflicts.

One question I often pose to my clients is, “who else is in the room?” By this, I mean, who is our nervous system really responding to right now? Is it your dad? Your mom? Your uncle? What pain from the past just triggered your fight or flight response and has you in opposition against your partner?

Believe me, when our frontal lobe (the logic part of the brain) shuts down because we are triggered, we feel the intensity of our past trauma as if it were happening right then and there. We get thrown into an old narrative and fight for our lives. We see our partners through a distorted lens.

We must learn to identify the lens through which we are looking at the situation. We must become aware of our go-to survival narratives if we want to see and respond clearly.

The Breakthroughs: Moments of Clarity and Connection

After a big fight, couples sometimes experience breakthroughs—moments of deep understanding and connection. These breakthroughs occur when both partners feel heard and validated, allowing them to temporarily move past their defenses and connect on a deeper level. It is a moment of groundedness, where each partner is operating from their grounded, True Self.

The Role of Vulnerability

Breakthroughs happen when both partners are vulnerable, sharing their fears, insecurities, and needs openly. It is a moment of clarity and connection. This vulnerability fosters the empathy and compassion we crave, creating a temporary bridge over the chasm created by conflict. In these moments, we can gain new insights into our partner’s perspective, and both partners transition into a space of resolution and closeness.

Emotional Regulation and Safety

Effective breakthroughs require a sense of emotional safety. When partners feel safe, they are better able to regulate their emotions and communicate more effectively. This safety can come from a variety of sources, such as a secure attachment, mutual respect, and previous experiences of positive conflict resolution, or co-regulation.

The Repetition of the Cycle: Why Breakthroughs Seem to Fade

So why does this cycle repeat? Why do the breakthroughs fade so quickly?

Several factors contribute to this cycle:

1. Unresolved Underlying Issues

Breakthroughs can provide temporary relief, but they don't always address the underlying issues at the core of the conflict. Feeling seen and heard by your partner is essential to developing safety in the relationship, but unless we tend to the foundation–the root causes of the pain, these breakthroughs will be fleeting. Deep-seated traumas, unmet needs, and ingrained patterns of behavior require ongoing effort and, often, professional support to resolve fully.

2. Reverting to Old Patterns

If you grew up with a dysfunctional or abusive family dynamic, chances are, you were launched into adulthood ill-equipped. Nobody modeled healthy relationships for you. No one taught you healthy ways of regulating and tending to your emotions. 

Now before I say anything else, please hear this: If this is you, you are not doomed to live the rest of your life ill-equipped. You are NOT defective, you just need to learn a skill that your caregivers should have taught you a long time ago. So be patient with yourself. Like any skill, it takes time to become proficient in it. You’ll get there. 

It is easier to revert to old behavior than to draw upon the new skill when we feel triggered. The more we practice, the more this new skill will become second nature. It takes conscious, consistent effort to change these behaviors. Not only do we need to see what behaivors in our relationship are the result of our dysfunctional upbringing, but we also need to know what skills we need to take up. From there, it is all about practice. Couples therapy is incredibly helpful for this because your therapist can provide a safe., controlled environment for you to try out these new skills. 

Now, a word of caution: If you and your partner are in a season of particular stress, fatigue, transition, illness, or other external factors, it will be easier to get triggered. These seasons make it much easier to revert to old ways of reacting, but it doesn’t mean that the growth isn’t happening.  

3. Lack of Skills and Tools

Couples may lack the skills and tools needed to maintain the progress made during breakthroughs. Seeing the deeper pain and need in the moment, using soft start-ups, emotional regulation, learning how to repair, and conflict management skills are crucial for sustaining healthy relationship dynamics. Without these, couples may find themselves falling back into the same conflicts.

Breaking the Cycle: Moving Towards Lasting Change

While the emotional rollercoaster can be disheartening, I want you to know that it is possible to break the cycle and have breakthroughs in your relationship that last. Here are some trauma-informed strategies:

1. Seek Professional Help

Take time to learn about your trauma and the way it impacts your relationship. Become intimately aware of your triggers, narratives, the parts of you that show up when you feel threatened…get clear on how your trauma formed you. When you have this clarity, you will know what needs healing and change.

After you do this work, seek out a couples therapist, particularly one who is trauma-informed. They can help you understand and address the root causes of your conflicts. They will create a safe environment for you to practice these new skills. 

2. Practice Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation

Both partners need to develop self-awareness around their triggers and emotional responses. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and journaling, can help you stay present and regulate your emotions. Self-regulation techniques, such as deep breathing and grounding exercises, will prevent conflicts from escalating.

3. Foster Open and Honest Communication

Start creating a culture of open and honest communication. This involves not only expressing your own needs and feelings but also actively listening to and validating your partner's perspective. Regular check-ins and non-confrontational discussions about your relationship can prevent issues from festering.

4. Build a Foundation of Trust and Safety

Building and maintaining trust is crucial for emotional safety. This involves being reliable, consistent, and showing empathy and understanding. Over time, a strong foundation of trust can make it easier for you as a couple to navigate conflicts without falling back into destructive patterns.

The cycle of conflict and breakthrough in relationships is often rooted in past traumas and ingrained patterns of behavior. By understanding these dynamics through a trauma-informed lens, you will begin to address the underlying issues and work towards lasting change. With the right tools, support, and commitment, it's possible to move beyond the emotional rollercoaster and build a healthier, more resilient relationship.

If you are ready to dive deep into the root issues so you can stop this cycle for good, sign up for Love After Complex Trauma, where I will walk you step-by-step through everything you need in order to stop the emotional rollercoaster and finally feel deeply connected and stable in your relationship.