Connection First, Behavior Second: A Better Method

Take a moment, and call to mind an unbearable situation in your relationship or within yourself that you NEED to see a change in. 

Maybe that is your partner’s addiction, your shame spirals, the emotional rollercoaster in your relationship…call that to mind and be with it for a moment.

When we face things that pull us out of the manageable zone and into a place where we are desperate for change, our gut instinct often involves doing whatever is necessary to stop behavior. This can look like jumping to problem solving during an argument, people-pleasing to avoid conflict, creating ultimatums...the list goes on and on. 

Yes, certain behaviors need to stop. You can’t live in survival mode forever, but what if there is a better way–one that addresses the behavior but also nurtures the deeper needs driving that behavior?

Over the next several weeks, we’re going to explore a mindset shift toward a “connection first, behavior second” approach. This shift has changed my life, and I hope it transforms the way you experience your relationships too.

Why “Connection First” Is a Better Method

Traditional behavioral strategies—like communication skills and rewarding positive behavior—often tackle symptoms rather than the root cause. Are they effective in stopping behavior? Yes. Are they effective in stopping the issue from surfacing in other ways? No. 

By focusing on connection first, we address the underlying emotions and needs that drive behavior. In other words, we heal the issue at the root rather than playing a never ending game of whack-a-mole as old behaviors pop up in new ways.  

The thing is, we’ve been conditioned to manage issues with this behavioral approach. As kids, we were probably given time-outs, controlled with sticker charts, or physically punished. These are all “behavior first” approaches–no one modeled for us how to put connection first.

No wonder we resort to self-punishment or self-sabotage when our shame surfaces–we were taught that our behavior has to change before we can feel loved and accepted.  

The behavior first method says, “you are unacceptable and unlovable until you change your behavior.” 

The connection first method says, “You are acceptable and lovable even in light of your behavior.”

So what if, instead of jumping straight to behavior, we first focused on connection? What if we tuned in to the emotions and needs driving the behavior, and responded to those instead?

What Is a Connection-First Mindset?

I’m borrowing this idea from Dr. Becky’s book Good Inside. If you're a parent, you’ve likely heard of her (she is changing my life currently!). As a mom of two 2-year-olds, I can attest to the profound impact her approach has had on how I show up for myself, my kids, and my partner.

A connection-first mindset means seeing the goodness in ourselves and others, even when mistakes happen. It’s about recognizing that problematic behavior often stems from unmet needs or overwhelming emotions. Address these first, and behavioral change will naturally follow.

Connecting With Ourselves First

The connection-first approach allows us to respond from a grounded place, addressing the needs our survival instincts trigger. This helps us show up as our authentic selves rather than letting our trauma take the driver’s seat.

When shame shows up, for instance, we are faced with a choice: do we focus on the behavior we’re ashamed of, or do we address the deeper issues that brought us to that behavior in the first place?

It’s important to note that a connection-first method does NOT condone harmful behavior. One of the most common concerns I hear from my clients is that they are afraid of “letting themselves off the hook.” They are concerned that if they give themselves compassion, they will be giving themselves permission to continue the behavior. 

This is not “letting yourself off the hook.” In fact, this is about addressing yourself in a way that allows you to move past your shame so that you can access the resiliency you  need to take responsibility, repair, and stop the damaging behavior. It is taking ownership in its truest form.

A connection first mindset helps us remember that there is goodness in us, and the behavior occurred for a reason—usually connected to a pain point. We still need to take responsibility for our actions and repair any harm done, but only after we’ve tended to our pain. Without this crucial step, authentic repair and responsibility-taking are impossible. 

Tend to the pain, and the behavior will take care of itself.

Testing the Two Methods: A Practical Example

Let’s consider a situation: You decide not to tell your partner about a large purchase you made on the credit card, hoping you could pay it off before they found out. Unfortunately, you end up having to dip into savings to pay off the credit card bill. When your partner discovers this, they’re angry and struggle to trust you with your finances.

Method 1: You shut down externally but internally beat yourself up: “Gosh, you are so selfish. What were you thinking? You’re ruining everything in the relationship. Now they’ll never trust you again. You always screw up.” Your partner tries to discuss how to regain financial footing and prevent this from happening again, but you’re so steeped in shame that you avoid the conversation and storm off.

Method 2: You take a deep breath. You tell yourself, “Wow, it’s so difficult to take responsibility right now. I feel terrible for keeping this from them. I made a mistake, but we’ll figure this out together.” You then turn to your partner, apologize, and engage in a conversation about how to repair the situation.

What happens in your nervous system as you think about these two options?

The first method is a behavior-first approach—shaming yourself in hopes that you’ll never make the mistake again. But this only disconnects you from yourself and your partner, making it more likely that you’ll repeat the behavior to avoid feeling your distress.

The second method is a connection-first approach. You connect with yourself and the pain of being confronted. You connect with your partner to take responsibility, and then you focus on how to repair the damage.

Connection First & Shame

If you’ve been following my work for a while, you know I talk a lot about our survival skills—the parts of us that developed to help us survive childhood but can interfere with living a fulfilling, joyful, and peaceful life as adults.

Examples of survival skills are: people-pleasing, self-doubt, criticism, rage, substance misuse, perfectionism, control, shutting down, etc.

When we take a connection-first approach, our survival skills learn to trust us. They feel that a loving presence is handling the overwhelming situation, and they can trust the wise, confident, and creative part of you to repair the situation rather than relying on old survival skills to step in.

This is how we stay situated within ourselves. If we want to show up in our relationships as loving, present, compassionate partners (who can take responsibility!), we have to start by connecting with ourselves (and our shame): connection first, behavior second.

Conclusion

Shifting to a connection-first mindset will transform how you relate to yourself and your partner. It creates a space for authentic connection, allowing us to address the underlying needs and emotions driving our behaviors. 

As we explore this approach together over the coming weeks, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and stay curious about what happens when you prioritize connection over immediate behavioral change. You might just find that the relationships in your life—starting with the one you have with yourself—begin to heal in ways you never imagined possible.