Codependency or a Trauma Response? Know the Difference.

Does having a strong reaction to your partner or family member's behavior mean that you are codependent? Not necessarily.

Being emotionally affected by another person's behaviors does not necessarily mean you are codependent. It makes you human. Of course there is a possibility that you are acting codependently, but there is also the possibility that the reactivity you notice in yourself is a trauma response.

Experiencing pain as a result of someone's unsafe behavior does NOT mean you are codependent.

The term "codependency" can be helpful in identifying problematic thought patterns and behaviors in a relationship, however we need to make sure we are using the term appropriately, otherwise, the assumption that someone is codependent quickly gaslights the person, who, in reality, is experiencing trauma.

In any relationship where there is emotional instability, healing will only happen when we can correctly identify what the path toward stability and connection will involve: is it a matter of healing trauma or is unlearning codependent relationship patterns a part of the equation?

Let's begin by distinguishing codependency from a trauma response.

What is Codependency?

Codependency involves a strong need for control, poor boundaries, emotional dysregulation, and a focus on someone else's needs rather than your own. At it's core, it is about self-abandonment. Codependency is the result of becoming so disconnected with yourself that you rely on other people to provide you with a sense of your own identity. For example, this can look like needing someone to affirm you in order for you to feel good about yourself.

I can't talk about codependency without noting that there is still so much work to be done in removing the stigma from codependency and seeing it for what it is: a survival skill learned while attempting to survive a traumatic experience.

This survival skill--often learned as a child--is known as the fawning response. It is a way of appeasing the aggressor (or perceived aggressor) in order to escape their threats. For many of us, this survival skill was learned from experiencing childhood trauma. When your needs weren't met as a child, you learned that this fawning response could help you cope with the shame you experienced and the belief that you didn't matter. 

For example, you may have taken on certain roles--became someone you weren't--in order to be seen and appreciated. You may have learned that you could avoid your parent's threatening behavior if you became their caregiver and focused on their needs instead of your own. Over time, you took on a new role self centered upon taking care of others (even at the expense of your own needs). This way of relating became a template for other relationships later in your life.

Signs that you may struggle with codependency:

• You find it difficult to say "no" or have boundaries
• You look to others for approval
• You often play the "savior" role in your relationships
• You feel responsible for other people's emotions or behaviors
• It is hard to express your needs
• You do things for others even when it makes you uncomfortable
• You wish you could end a relationship, but you don't because you are too worried about what the other person will feel or do

If this is you, please know that there is nothing wrong with you. Your survival skill is NOT you--it is a WAY that you respond to your trauma. Codependency is one skill (of many) that you learned to survive your trauma. 

Now that you are an adult, these survival skills no longer serve you, and having a healthy relationship as an adult will mean unlearning codependency and replacing it with healthier relationship skills.

Recovering from codependency involves reminding yourself...

• "I didn't cause this problem"
• "I can't control this problem"
• "I can't cure this problem"

Interdependency, the hallmark of a healthy relationship, involves you and your partner's ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and expectations without trying to control each other. Codependency involves control, while interdependence is about honesty.

Codependency is a response to trauma, but not all people with trauma respond codependently.

What is trauma?

Trauma is an intense emotional response to a painful event that causes physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological harm. Trauma imbeds itself in our bodies when we face a threatening situation and feel under-resourced and ill-equipped to navigate the threat. Trauma leaves you with an extreme sense of powerlessness and can shatter your beliefs in yourself and others.

Some symptoms of trauma:

•  Re-experiencing symptoms: flashbacks, reliving the trauma, racing heart or sweating, bad dreams, frightening thoughts. Triggers happen suddenly and in full force. You experience the trigger as intensely as you experienced the original traumatic event
• Avoidance symptoms: feeling emotionally numb, strong guilt, depression, isolation, dissociation, using distractions to avoid your feelings
• Hyperarousal symptoms: you feel on edge and alert (hypervigilance), startle response, feeling stressed, angry outbursts, difficulty concentrating, eating or sleeping.

Codependency vs. a Trauma Response

Trauma is the consequence of a painful event, while codependency is the way that people attempt to avoid painful events and traumatic symptoms. In short:

Codependency is a way that people try to protect themselves from their traumatic symptoms.

Not all negative emotions that you experience in reaction to someone else's behavior is a sign that you are codependent. Remember, codependency is all about control. Having a strong emotional response may be an indicator that you are wrestling with trauma. Chronic experiences of trauma (complex ptsd) place you on edge and it is easier to get thrown into a trauma response. Before assuming that you are codependent, it is important to pause and ask yourself: am I trying to control/manipulate the situation (codependency) or am I having a normal reaction to trauma?

Remember, trauma is the brain's reaction to learned threats, while codependency is a person's efforts to avoid the threat through control.

How your relationship can be healing

Our brains are wired to look for danger and they use past experiences to inform us of what is or is not dangerous. Our brains are experts at noticing patterns. Currently, if you struggle with complex trauma, your neural pathways have quick access to the traumatic emotional memories and responses anytime your brain notices a familiar, threatening pattern.

Consistent experiences of trustworthy, safe behavior from the people in your life helps your brain and body develop new neural pathways, learn new patterns, and release the trauma. Surrounding yourself with safe, loving relationships is one of the most healing things you can do for yourself.

If you are the partner of someone with trauma, your ability to be consistently safe and emotionally responsive will greatly impact the stability in your relationship.

As a couple, your healing process will involve developing a new relationship based on emotional responsiveness and honesty about individual and relationship needs. If trust issues trigger the trauma in your relationship, know that this healing process can begin even before trust is rebuilt. For example, being able to share with your partner that you are struggling to trust right now and your partner listening without defensiveness is a step toward interdependency.

Taking the next right step

Not all strong emotions are unhealthy. Understanding what is codependency and what is a normal trauma response helps us understand emotions and find the path forward. If you and your partner are experiencing the effects of trauma and/or codependency, take the time to learn about each person's trauma history, what helps them feel safe, and how you can regulate together.  Take the time to get to know your survival skills and the ways they affect your relationships. Self-awareness is key to moving from reactivity to responsiveness.