Growing up in a chaotic, dysfunctional family, where crisis was the norm, leaves a lasting imprint on our adult lives. For many of us, the chaos of our upbringing becomes familiar territory—a space where we feel competent and in control. We become adept at navigating crises, whether it's as a first responder, a parent, or a reliable friend. But when it comes to romantic relationships, this same skill set can often sabotage our chances at lasting love.

Childhood Chaos and Communication Patterns

The chaotic environment of my upbringing deeply influenced my sense of self, my approach to relationships, and my communication patterns. Growing up in a chaotic family, I learned early on that my needs only seemed to matter when they reached a crisis level. This meant three things:

1. Suppressing Needs Until Crisis: I held it together until I couldn't anymore, waiting until my needs became a crisis before voicing them.
2. Escalating Situations to be Heard: If I found myself in crisis, I learned to escalate the situation to ensure that my needs were heard and addressed.
3. Abandoning Myself for Others:If I had a need, but someone else’s need was “louder,” I would abandon my own needs to play the role of the "savior," neglecting my own well-being in the process.

It was my survival skill: the way I learned to navigate my childhood environment and earn some illusion of love.

Impact on Adult Romantic Relationships

What worked in my dysfunctional family only served to sabotage my efforts at building healthy, stable relationships as an adult. Suppressing my needs until they became urgent led to communication breakdowns, codependency, and emotional unpredictability. My partner would experience emotional whiplash as I swung from seeming fine one moment to exploding with pent-up frustrations the next.

This pattern of behavior, rooted in codependency, left both partners abandoned in their own emotional needs, trapped in a cycle of survival rather than connection.

So here’s the truth:

Healthy relationships thrive on open and honest communication. When we bottle up our needs until they become crises, we deny ourselves the opportunity for genuine connection and intimacy with our partners.

We withhold from ourselves the genuine love we crave.

So let's commit to voicing our needs and sharing vulnerably with our partners before they escalate into crises. Let's trust our partners to manage their own emotions as we share and manage ours. By communicating consistently and honestly, we can create stability and predictability in our relationships.

If you want to start communicating more honestly and openly with your partner, download my free Connected Couple’s Weekly Check-in guide. This tool can become a valuable part of your weekly routine as you deepen your relationship together and overcome the effects of childhood trauma.

Together, let's create the loving, supportive relationships we deserve.